*Breaking News* Experts Agree that Genetic Radar PCR trumps Lateral Flow Test in Diagnosing the Devastating New Covid-19 "Tumbleweed" Variant
Alarming Predictions: 100-million will be dead by Tuesday
THE FOLLOWING POST IS SATIRE WHICH I’M TOLD BY MY AI Construct ATTORNEYS IS STILL LEGAL AS OF APRIL 20, 2020
*Cleared for Immediate Release*
Associated Psy Ops, Dateline April 20, 2024
Recognized Experts with CEPI have now confirmed that a devastating new “Tumbleweed” Variant of the Super-Antigen Covid-19 has emerged and is now running rampant across Western Europe and parts of the United States.
The Tumbleweed Variant, so named because it “tumbles” as it sheds from host to host, evolved from the BS 24/7 Variant and is especially lethal.
The leading Belgium Scientist Gary Vinder Bunschoten was clear in his stark assessment.
“We’ve never seen anything like this. This Tumbleweed is effectively a new sub-species of viral variant. It combines elements of parasites, viruses, and tumbleweeds.”
Simulation Expert Peter Kleary agreed.
“The Tumbleweed Variant has rendered Ivermectin useless. We must now rapidly approve Ivermectin hybrid drugs stacked with Fishvoxamine. We’ll need emergency patents and emergency authorizations. This thing is different.”
Vinder Bunschoten when pressed acknowledged, “We could have 100-million dead by Tuesday.”
Diagnostic Test Controversy
Immediately the leading pharmaceutical companies began a bidding war with the Department of Defense in the Operation Tumbleweed program now underway.
“Our lateral flow test diagnoses Tumbleweed in sixty seconds. It’s completely irresponsible for the DOD to not select our product”, an anonymous source with Roche cried.
“Fuck that, and forgive my French. I’m French-Canadian. My family is from Frrrrahhhhhhhhhnnnncccceeee”, lashed back a billionaire from Kanada who also requested anonymity due to the sensitive nature of the top secret gene editing products in question.
Our Genetic Monitoring Radar system can clock Tumbleweed based on a smart phone app.
“We can immediately quarantine someone using the Medical Body Area Network and give them a good shock if they try to leave their domicile.”
Extra Reporting by Rigorous Ferret and Ominous Otter.
... Dr. Jezebel Faqyar, the Chief Scientist at the Wacky-do-da Healers Organisation when approached for comment, replied. "It's not eugenniccy enough to be one of ours and having consulted with my colleagues at the Bienvenue and Confidence Offshore Holding Corp, we can definitely say that this is the first recorded crossover of a virus from vegetable to animal. We are investigating small town America for incidents of grass molestation and fern fondling.
Wait, is this a coded message? Tumble weed is akshually Russian Thistle. Did the Russians do this?