Gas Tank-29: The Serial Novel

Ep. 9, Karen Punitarian

May 22

::beep::

“Joe, Walgreens is here.”

American Global States President Joe Rogan and his Secretary of State Jordan Peterson exchanged knowing glances. Here we go.

Peterson surveyed the Austin province estate of the former American state of Texas and motioned to a pair of Security Thugs.

“Wait…for the signal”, his gesture suggests.

“Mr. President, boy it’s still strange saying that. Just a short time ago, you and I were just rocking that podcast with Queen Tulsi and…”

Glen Walgreens is not a dumb guy. He had already clocked by the time he said “podcast” that there was a different vibe in the room.

Have a seat, Glen.

When we last left off, Sage “Galoshes” Hana was busy insulting the new Global Leader Rogan before Margaret Anna Alice wheeled her out of the room to go get a Livingston and help Galoshes heal from the exp. mRNA surgery that was re-growing the ACLs in both knees that were ruined in a Henchyeti Shih Tzu attack at the Gitmo Vaccine Concentration Camps when the Mean Guards had unleashed the adorable little beasts on Galoshes while she was performing barbell back squats in the prison recreation area’s new squat rack.

Bastards.

But the obnoxious Galoshes Hana would not be punished for her insubordination because she had performed a massive service for President Rogan, and had researched and revealed that the Exploding Gas Tank Pinto problem which Supercaliterrifying Hill Klaus had refused to rein in…was fueled…pardon the pun!… by one…

Glen Walgreens.

Glen, you and I go way back. This is going to go way better for you if you just come correct.

“Understood.”

Glen, we just need to know who flipped you. Was it Peter Thiel? Or Pierre?

Walgreens looks up at Peterson who is simply incinerating him with a glare.

Glen…

“Pierre.”

Walgreens almost looks relieved. So many years of carrying this around. So many dark compromises.

The Snowden docs…that you sold to Pierre for The Intercept. Did they have this all lined out?

“Joe…I -”

ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION.

That was Peterson.

“It was. It was in them. Joe, I’m sorry.”

The President doesn’t bother to respond. Peterson motions to the Thug Security Guys.

Rogan:

Get him on a plane. Take him to Hawaii. Put him in Hill Klaus’s Silence of the Lambs cell. We’ll deal with him later. Jordan, get a 20-on Pierre.

“Already on it. He’s at his island. We have it blockaded.”

Good…Also, Jordan.

“Yes.”

I know you were going to resign. Please don’t. I need you, bro.

Peterson takes his resignation letter out of his suit pocket. In the shredder.

“I need you, too.”

::This heartwarming bro moment was brought to you by Jack Link’s. Jack Link’s. Way better than that crappy Tillamook beef jerky. Did you know that Jack Link’s provides a whopping ten grams of nutritious protein in every serving? All in a savory, succulent mouthwatering package. Try the spicy new Jalapeno version. Try it on pasta! Delicious.::

:: Now let’s get back to our story::

As Walgreens is being led out, we hear him asking the Security Thugs, “Do we get Livingstons in prison?”

You don’t.

“But Hillary did!”

That was under Queen Tulsi rule, dumbass traitor.

It was abundantly clear that the Global American Experiment had failed.

Rogan knew he was going to have to pull the ~~tank~~ plug on the Pintos.

Now he had to arrest Pierre Omidyar, another of these crazy ass billionaires that wanted to rule the world and live forever, still had to find the Supercaliterrifying Hill Klaus Cloud Brain and terminate it…and worse yet.

Worst of all.

The 5-G Bad Batch Super Zombies that Supercaliterrifying Hill Klaus had not been forthcoming about corralling?

Had morphed into Hulking Thug Karens.

Their leader was She/Her Dwayne Johnson.

That’s right. The Rock. Trans-5G Rock to be specific.

Already a massive bad ass before the bad batch and 5G radiation infusion, The Rock had transmogrified into Karen Punitarian and had organized the 5-G Zombies into a formidable army, alternately violent and alternately just very annoying.