Gas Tank-29: The Serial Novel
Ep. 7, Jack Link's
Sage “Galoshes” Hana was having an existential crisis.
The Vaccine War Dissident was penning a letter to then President Hillary Clinton regarding the caliber of food that she and her fellow political prisoners at Guantanamo Bay Vaccine Concentration Camp were being fed.
The fiendish Gitmo Overlords had swapped out their beef jerky selection from the delicious and savory Jack Link’s label to the Tillamook brand.
To say that the Tillamook brand of jerky was tough was an understatement. One would be better off consuming their belt, that is if the guards at Gitmo would allow one to have a belt, which could and would then be used as a weapon.
As Galoshes put pen to paper, she pondered whether to use the apostrophe on Link’s.
There it was. On the package. Link’s.
Not Links. As in plural.
Link’s. As in possessive.
Galoshes was locked up on the matter. Surely one should just use the brand name. Maybe there was a person named Jack Link. And Mr. Link had created the brand.
And this was Link’s brand of jerky.
On the other hand if Links was supposed to be plural, like “sausage links”, or…dunno… “cuff links”, then maybe she should go ahead and correct the error. What if Hillary’s letter reader would immediately renounce the request, thinking that Sage had fucked up the spelling?
Much like “sunhawk” had called her out for fucking up the spelling on plural Greenwald’s or Krystal Ball’s, a mistake she had also made in “Defiant Pelosi’s” and so forth.
Turns out that leather tough beef jerky was the least of Hana’s worries at Gitmo.
The Mean Guards had promised her a squat rack in the recreation area so that she could continue her daily exercise routine.
On the first day that she began to use it, the Guards released a pack of adorable but exuberant Shih-tzu puppies who swarmed the squat rack area and attacked her legs.
Like diabolical adorable little henchyetis the Shih Tzu’s…errr…Shih Tzus…buckled the knees of Galoshes who fell to the ground with two permanently damaged patellae. She would be forever consigned to a wheelchair.
The Mean Guards then rewarded the lovable furry operatives with the good shit: Jack Link’s…I mean…Jack Links…(goddammit)…that they had been holding back from their prisoners.
Of course that was all ancient history.
The camp had long since been freed. Following the Steve Kirsch led insurrection which got everybody the hell out except for Obnoxious Galoshes Hana, the former Terror Factory had been renovated and turned into a putt putt golf course, then later a Tourist Trap“Watch How People Were Tortured!” museum.
A few guards now remained to protect against vandalism and Sage would roll her wheelchair about the premises freely, studying the Ford Pinto Problem, and harassing Global American President Joe Rogan with emails about it.
New Nice Guard: Galoshes, you have a visitor.
Galoshes: Huh? Really?!!
New Nice Guard: It’s a woman named Margaret.
Margaret Anna Alice had been dispatched to Gitmo, the site where she, like Sage, had been a dissident prisoner, along with her new boss Dr. Robert Malone, Founder of the Ethics in Science movement.
The two embrace.
MAA is clutching a laptop.
“Okay, Sage. We don’t have much time. Do you have the Pinto data?”
“Do you want to download it onto this laptop? We can’t use the cloud. Supercalifreaking Terrifying HillKlaus is monitoring all clouds.”
Why don’t I just tell you? It’s Walgreen’s.
“Do you mean…Walgreens? I…never mind.”
It’s Glen. Glen Walgreen’s. Look into it.
“Joe’s not gonna like this.”
“Okay, Sage. Do you want to talk to Robert?”
The Most Interesting Man in the World…
No! Not that one!
…emerged and pulled up a chair.
Hi Dr. Malone.
“Sage, we can fix your legs. And your eyesight.”
You will have to use the same technology that caused the whole Vaccine World War, right?
Malone hesitates very slightly. Here we go. Again.
“Yes, Sage. The same tech can be used for good or evil. Don’t you want your legs back? Don’t you want to do squats again?”
Galoshes looks at her mangled legs. She used to be so strong.
“We can’t do the surgery here. Do you want to come back with us to Virginia?”
Can I come back here when it’s done?
“You…want to stay here.”
“Okay, sure…your call.”
Sage smiled. She would soon be able to squat again, just like Dr. Mike Yeadon would have his privacy and life again.
And it only took a few nukes and a barbecue Hawaiian Oligarch Sacrifice session roller skate dance party to get there.
And now, gloriously, the cool kids across the globe, free at last…paid homage everywhere, when they weren’t fending off Insurgent 5-G Bad Batch Zombies.
And now, NOW, the Truth Warriors just had to go find and arrest the Replacement Pinto Gas Tank Mastermind, and oh yeah, find a way to disable the Cloud Brain of Supercalifreaking Terrifying HillKlaus and then find his/her intelligence on who got the Zombie Batches of mRNA, and how to turn off the 5-G Radiation Grid.
Other than that, everything was grand!