Federal Tool Administration Approves Hammers for Emergency Use in Hoeing Gardens
Experts ultimately agreed that the widening Gardendemic requires extreme Emergency Measures
Dateline April 14, 2025, BRUSSELS
The United States Federal Tool Administration, now operating in their World Economic Forum satellite offices in Brussels, Belgium, today approved the use of hammers in hoeing zeee gardens as the widening Gardendemic intensifies.
The emergency approval was expected but still slightly controversial as the US National Rototiller Alliance objected.
New WEFFIE FTA Chief Dr. Robert Balogne said the move was necessary.
“The need for emergency gardening countermeasures is paramount as we have a SuperGardening Crisis in play. We simply don’t have time to run double blind studies with hammers and gardens,” Balogne asserted.
Tech Entrepreneur Steven Darpakrisch reluctantly concurred.
Darpakrisch had previously advocated for claw hammers to meet the Gardendemic needs before deciding that socket wrenches would also work.
“I’ve met with Janet Woodcock and she’s one of the emergency gardening goodies,” said Darpakrisch.
WEFFIE President of the United States Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. remained silent on the development and was unreachable at the Hawaii White House Bunker.
Experts have long held that hammers are not especially useful for hoeing large garden plots, but the powerful hammer lobby had hammered them with new evidence and models.
The WEFFIE State of Hawaii was the first to ban rototillers stating that they use too much gasoline and were exacerbating klimate change.
The new hammers are SMART hammers and come with an attached shock collar.
I’ll have more from Brussels as it becomes available.
How can we be discussing gardens without mentioning Big Gnome??
Paul Pelosi was unavailable for comment.